The Best Garbage TV to Stream After You Admit You're Not Gonna Read Shit

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The Best Garbage TV to Stream After You Admit You're Not Gonna Read Shit

Illustration for article entitled The Best Garbage TV to Stream After You admitted that you are not going to read shit

Photo: BBC America

Whether you’re hiding at home, limiting your time outdoors, or isolating yourself, you’ve probably seen that untouched stack of books in your living room as a fun potential diversion from the world. But more likely you have exhausted your favorite binge watches and are looking for something new to stream to keep busy. At this point, you might even consider some dystopian thrillers. I know my friends have started recommending them.

But, dear reader, I strongly advise against looking Contamination or similar pandemic-related fiction works – which are usually garbage, but not the kind of garbage you need now. My advice is to use your entertainment time budget for some dumpster-tier reality television. And to make this mind-numbing escapism as easy as possible, I’ve collected six different profiles of TV viewers for trash, along with recommendations for shows and where to stream them to.

Are you The Shameless Voyeur or The Living Room Survivalist? Read on to find out.

The Living Room Survivalist

You’re not necessarily a self-proclaimed prepper, but you like to find yourself resourceful. You’re someone who spends a lot of time outdoors, owns a tent, and almost certainly subscribes to the YouTube channel Primitive technology– if only because you feel a spiritual affinity with the shirtlessness of host John Plant.

The paranormal expert

You like some crazy shit – not to freaky. (The truly ill will be discussed below.) Your main interests include true crime, haunting, horrific killings, alien fly-bys, crop circles, curses and the occult. You often find yourself saying “don’t believe in that stuff, ha ha.” (You absolutely do.)

The Gnarly Fuck

You are an avid consumer of TLC’s most monstrous content offering: the poorer the series, the better. You find the sick shit that makes others wriggle wildly. Your homepage is r / WTF. You may or may not have a collection of one-eyed dolls.

The Shameless Voyeur

You like to watch people win, but you absolutely love to see them lose. You appreciate a show that dirty fans of real people you’ve never met for your own personal entertainment. Maybe you watch The Bachelor. You have certainly seen it The real world and found it ‘entertaining’.

The Fixer-Upper

Design – that is, order and control – is your passion. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a renovation reach its full potential to become the perfect home. However, you also enjoy the chaos and humiliation of poor design, the subtle passive-aggressive jokes between partners about their ‘perfect house’ priority checklist, and watching someone occasionally melt over a thoughtless paint color.

The gastro masochist

I don’t know what drives someone to watch this particular kind of food show – a lot of it looks pretty gross! Maybe you’re a no-nonsense foodie who appreciates a good deep fryer and the art of the perfect tater. (Or, in the case of Britain’s best home cooks, a scaly eel pie.) Maybe you’re stoned and already on. Who actually says it?

Whatever TV freak you are, remember that these shows are always waiting for you. Try to prioritize everything else you need to do to take care of yourself during this time. And don’t try to binge all at once, monster.

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